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did you put mom in a vampire love coma?
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Date:2013-10-28 09:55

Heyyyy, party people! I have been straight up PEER PRESSURED to make a tumblr, so on the off chance a single person still reads this poor abandoned lj, you can find me over there occasionally describing my super important emotions about television and its fake people.


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Date:2011-10-11 11:57
Subject:p&r fic: Human Disaster Relief

Title: Human Disaster Relief
rating: pg
pairing: Leslie/Ben
notes: I have to believe in this future in order to endure the present. This is totally unbetaed and unproofread and so all mistakes are my fault. Also, I know very little about any of the things I am talking about here. I did, however, google the Master Bedroom, and it is FANNNNN-CY.

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Date:2011-07-02 22:12
Subject:two years later...

jk, it's only been about 1.5 years since I last posted here! TOTALLY REASONABLE.

Just wanted to drop a note mentioning that I've been working on moving some of my more-read fic over to AO3, where I'm known as-- GET THIS-- crimsonclad. If that's the sort of thing that might interest you, then there you go.

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Date:2009-11-17 20:37
Subject:fic: commuter lounge

Dear internet, here is what happened: I wrote a story, and people replied to it, and we all talked about how awesome space is! Then I posted a sequel, and people replied, but I was on a trip, and then I got back and hadn't replied and started freaking out and kept procrastinating and then I was all "ohfuck I can never answer all these people I suck" and then I ran away and avoided livejournal for several months. Ha ha! I deal with pressure with grace and verve.

So, you'll have to forgive me. Anyway, my parents sat me down to watch Community, and it brought me great joy. And of all the pairings I thought I might write, this is not the one I suspected-- but the gobsmacked look on Jeff's face in that debate prep library scene was like "HEY, HEY, crimsonclad'S ID! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS????"

And my id said "VERY MUCH INDEED." So.

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Date:2009-05-30 01:05
Subject:fic: edit

I am supposed to be sleeping, and did this instead. YAY FOR GOOD LIFE CHOICES.

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Date:2009-05-24 01:39
Subject:fic: cut and fucking paste

So, helpwess and I were having an extremely serious discussion about characterization in the new Star Trek. It went something like this:

Spock (her): "Good day to you as well, captain."

What spurred this interchange?

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Date:2009-02-28 08:59
Subject:dream journal: part 1,395

Last night I had a dream that Buffy Anne Summers was Michael Vick's new parole officer, and they were the stars of a new show detailing their wacky shenanigans together. She kept him in line! He learned that being a douchebag sucks! They went out for ice cream!

I like to think that lots of ex-cons could be rehabilitated by having their asses kicked by Ms. Summers: P.O. Extraordinaire.

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Date:2009-02-18 09:13
Subject:also, there was vanilla milk

Last night I dreamt that Rossi was training me to become a BAU agent! I looked at sparkly stones taped to a sheet, and speculated as to why an unsub would leave a half-eaten sandwich in a restaurant.

Then I became angry, and stormed out into the rain. Later, I ended up barefoot in the slimy bathroom of a bait shop.


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Date:2009-01-30 22:01
Subject:ten hut? or wheels up?

I have been talking to quettaser and kissingchaos9 about Criminal Minds recently, because we used to talk about CSI and SGA a lot and obviously needed a new acronym in common. And tonight I figured out WHY exactly CM is so exceedingly excellent to me, and told quettaser so, which is to say-- if you have a team of super duper crimefighting softies who:

-hate sexism
-hate homophobia and really like it when gay people come out and are at peace with themselves
-never see their real families but are devoted to their co-workers like they are a family
-protect their own from repercussions relating to psychotic breaks and erratic, unprofessional behavior
-fight monsters
-shoot guns
-travel long distances with great ease

the question is-- is this team the BAU? Or is this team some FUCKING MISSION ACCOMPLISHED MARINES??

I would offer unto you the possibility that this list applies to BOTH TEAMS, and is therefore a distinct possibility as to why the show is AWESOME. They should high five more, obviously, but still.

(Case in point-- in my icon, make the new recruit Morgan, the drill sergeant JJ, and the person needing a cookie Reid. Still works, right?)

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Date:2009-01-22 15:16
Subject:victorian literature is edifying and elegant.

So, I'm reading Trollope's Can You Forgive Her, and WOW. Hello crazy Victorian incest vibes, wtf! In case you were wondering why people read these huge tomes, allow me to share. Alice is talking to her cousin Kate, about Kate's brother George. Alice and George used to be engaged, but he behaved badly and now they're not. Why is Kate so sad?

Well, this passage begins with Alice asking a question in order to find out! Hooray for knowledge!

"I wonder whether you'd like a wild man for yourself?"

"Ah! that's a question I've never asked myself. I've been often curious to consider what sort of husband would suit you, but I've had very few thoughts about a husband for myself. The truth is, I'm married to George

"Ever since what?"

"Since you and he were parted, I've had nothing to do in life but to stick to him. And I shall do so to the end -- unless one thing should happen."

"And what's that?"

"Unless you should become his wife after all. He will never marry anybody else."

"Kate, you shouldn't allude to such a thing now, You know that it's impossible."

"Well; perhaps so. As far as I'm concerned, it is all the better for me. If George ever married, I should have nothing to do in the world -- literally nothing -- nothing -- nothing -- nothing!"

"Kate, don't talk in that way," and Alice came up to her and embraced her.

"Go away," said she. "Go, Alice; you and I must part. I cannot bear it any longer. You must know it all. When you are married to John Grey, our friendship must be over. If you became George's wife I should become nobody. I've nothing else in the world. You and he would be so all-sufficient for each other, that I should drop away from you like an old garment. But I'd give up all, everything, every hope I have, to see you become George's wife. I know myself not to be good. I know myself to be very bad, and yet I care nothing for myself. Don't, Alice, don't; I don't want your caresses. Caress him, and I'll kneel at your feet, and cover them with kisses." She had now thrown herself upon a sofa, and had turned her face away to the wall.

"Kate, you shouldn't speak in that way."

"Of course I shouldn't -- but I do."


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Date:2008-10-06 14:14
Subject:the FORBIDDENEST of loves

I don't remember how a group of friends eating mexican food turned into me musing about the forbidden love between the long-suffering Grimace and his tragically misguided beloved, the Hamburglar, but it did.

Just think about it-- Grimace once walked an equally criminal path, but learned to find satisfaction in being a law-abiding citizen of McDonaldland-- a faithful civic servant working with Ronald McDonald himself, no less! But the man he loves can't seem to face even the idea of living within the limits of the law, can't bear the idea of giving up his vigilante life. All they can have are stolen moments in the seedy motels on the outskirts of wholesome McDonaldland, moments of carnal pleasure forever marred by the knowledge that their union is destined to be torn asunder.

The cruelest irony of all, of course, is that Grimace's entire civic paycheck is paid in the same hamburgers that his darling so craves. Piles and piles of the same juicy treasures-- yet H.B. cannot be satisfied with the legal variety, due to some sad twist in his confused psyche. They taste of cardboard to him, they represent his failure as an outlaw-- capitulation. Grimace could provide for his lover, yes, but only at the cost of H.B.'s spirit, his irrepressible smile, his very soul.

So they meet only in a purgatory of their own making, stolen caresses and half-whispered words of passion, purple fur bright against the starkness of black and white stripes, red hair darkened with sweat, and Grimace's tortured, guttural moans.

H.B. inevitably leaves before dawn, heading off to the seedy warehouse district where he plans out his heists. Grimace always wakes alone in the morning, self-loathing and longing warring for dominance within his heart. As he showers, rinsing away the remnants of his greatest joy and greatest shame, he knows that he'll soon be heading into work, forcing a smile for Ronald, keeping his head down as kindly Mayor McCheese strides past.

"We missed you at the trampoline party last night, buddy!" Ronald will say brightly, happily. If he were asked, he would say he knows everything about Grimace that there is to know.

"I-- just. Needed a night off," Grimace will reply, quiet. Half hoping Ronald will notice that he seems different, somehow.

But Ronald never does.

"What should we have for lunch?" Ronald will ask instead, flipping through his fan mail.

Grimace wants to suggest anything new. Italian, Chinese, Indian. Sushi. Vegan risotto. Tacos.

But if he wants to keep H.B. safe, no one must ever guess. And so, "Burgers?" he offers, his voice quiet.

"Hooray!" Ronald crows, pumping his yellow-gloved fist in the air. He'll find out eventually, Grimace knows-- but today is not that day.

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Date:2008-09-29 19:58
Subject:apparently the only thing I care about anymore are commentary tracks???

So, Talladega Nights is a movie I sort of randomly own, and I randomly watched it, and randomly decided to listen to the commentary.

Uh, WOW. The entire commentary is the director Adam McKay and Ian Roberts (who is not only from UCB, but also played the overly literal doctor on Arrested Development). And it is basically this incredible work of performance art?? They spend the entire movie talking about how the movie cost approximately 600 million dollars to make, and how they kept flying to Ecuador and Liberia and India to shoot interior scenes because of the quality of the light and the existential sense of otherness, and they talk about how Walker and Texas Ranger are animatronic robots created by NASA and at one point they went on a rampage through a sleepy North Carolina town, and the original cut of the movie was a two hour shot of a stick of butter melting while an overly made up woman slept in the background, and-- wow.

Plus, they only break character maybe three times. It's truly impressive. Perhaps my favorite part is when they keep telling stories about Sacha Baron Cohen, and because he's BRITISH, all the dialogue they invent for him is basically "Crikey Big Ben Lorries! Cockney ride in a lift PARLIAMENT, blimey!"


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Date:2008-08-12 13:41
Subject:this post used to be longer but I had to edit parts out

So, last night I decided to watch Bowfinger. It's a hilarious movie, and any good feelings I have for Eddie Murphy and Heather Graham are based entirely on their work in it.

Anyway, after watching it, I thought-- hey! I'll listen to the commentary! After all, making the movie must have been hilarious with so many talented and exciting people in the cast! I was looking forward to AMUSING ANECDOTE CITY. Plus! The movie was directed by Frank Oz-- you know, Yoda/Miss Piggy/Fozzie Bear/Cookie Monster etc.

OH MY WORD. Frank Oz is apparently...well, you know how dear_flan is predicated on a version of JFlans who is both boring and ludicrously unaware of, uh, life? Well, allow me to share some of the AMAZING INSIGHTS that Frank Oz had to share during his commentary on the movie:

-Steve Martin wrote this movie
-Sometimes he changed parts
-We filmed one opening with a crane shot, but then we changed the opening to a different opening
-I didn't think this part was funny, but I can never tell what is funny and Steve said we should leave it in
-Robert Downey Jr. rehearsed this scene at Steve Martin's house and sometimes a scene is better if actors rehearse it first
-he improvised that part and it was funny! Sometimes improvisation is funny
-Here is a scene where Eddie Murphy improvised. Eddie Murphy is also good at improvising.
-The script was already funny, but Eddie Murphy made it funnier by the way he performed it
-This scene was filmed at different times. One part was filmed earlier, and the other part was filmed later
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out
-Eddie Murphy makes this character distinct from the other one without any prosthetics!! It is amazing that an actor could find a way to do embody a character without any prosthetics
-This building belongs to an accounting firm
-We filmed this scene two different ways and picked the one that worked better
-This building is not actually a clothing store
-First I shot this scene from the front of the car, but then I changed the angle and it looks better
-This scene used to be longer but we had to edit parts out

WHAT THE FUCK. ON AND ON AND ON. No enjoyable anecdotes EVER. Also, you know how sometimes people decide that jokes aren't funny enough on their own, and that explaining them in excruciating detail will help, but in fact the process just sucks out all the humor and makes you want to KILL YOURSELF? Yeah, that's Frank Oz. Joke-killer. I actually felt like his amazing power of boring might rip a hole in the time-space continuum.

Okay, whatever. HI INTERNETS HI HI HI

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Date:2008-07-06 19:59
Subject:these are the real patriots

heeeeey, did you know that today is missdeviant's birthday? WELL GUESS WHAT IT IS AND I DID NOT COME EMPTYHANDED.

(use of a certain song with regards to ye olde citye of Atlantisse comes from an old wish for songvidding from helenish, and many thanks to quettaser for advising me that jshep should be forced to squirm more.)

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Date:2008-06-25 13:54
Subject:Do you, Johanna, take this man...

Is this the appropriate response to a lovely person's joyful occasion?


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Date:2008-06-11 16:12




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Date:2008-06-10 20:08
Subject:coming attractions, and a tangent about pigeons

I was at the store, getting some things. And then I came across some of those "2 MOVIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!!!" piles. And of course, most (all) of them suck, and whenever there's one that's kind of okay, it is paired with something so toxic as to make buying it impossible, etc.

Then I found one that was different than all the others. I called helpwess and maribouquet, hoping that one of them might talk sense to me. But neither answered, and my poor decision making skills took over.

So I bought a 2 pack. One movie is called "Talk to Me", and it is not, in fact, a critically acclaimed Almodovar film, but something with Yasmine Bleeth about people telling secrets on trashy talk shows or something.

The other one...well. In preparation for the picspam to come, I'm going to transcribe the description on the back of the case. But in all caps and with lots of exclamation points, since that seems more appropriate.

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Date:2008-05-19 02:30
Subject:spoilerzzzz (??)

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Date:2008-05-05 11:32
Subject:space did this to me.

I was recently reading a fic in a fandom that has NOTHING TO DO with space, when I read the following line:

"...he pitches his voice low and soothing, as if talking down a jumper from a twenty story building."

My immediate thought was: why would a puddlejumper be on top of a building? And couldn't they just fly it down? Do puddlejumpers get depressed??



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Date:2008-03-20 18:52
Subject:clicky clicky

some random television observations that might have been relevant two to four years ago:

1. Everytime that Captain Stottelmeyer does something very gentle and understanding for Adrian Monk, my heart keens with joy. Examples in recent (rerun) memory: the episode where Monk can't function until he pops an entire roll of bubble wrap (that is like, fifteen feet long) and Captain Stottelmeyer just steps over and starts helping. Also, the episode where the mean Commissioner fires Monk, and he just starts to slowly crumple, and Captain Stottelmeyer catches him and holds him up and my heart my HEART.

(I am not implying any gayness, because if Stottelmeyer is having sexytimes with anyone, it would be RANDY. lelandy 4-evahhhhh.)

2. I will never forgive Cabbage for killing Mrs. Wilk. Ever.

ETA: homg, connection! Check out which Scrubs aficionado directed the episode with the bubble wrap!

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